His words:

Wife calls in middle of night and she never does that. Suspicious and unhappy.

Then the whole police woman thing. OMGosh.

Then I’m about to pull in the driveway. I’ve looked everywhere for the condom. I did a last minute reach on the other side of your seat and there it was. Almost missed it. Momentary panic. Whew.

Next day got the third degree … if u lost ur money, how’d you have money for coffee? Good question. Who were you with? Why were you there?

Just when I think everything is under control, I get home from work today and she hands me the phone and asks what is this. My cell phone apparently dialed home while we were talking. I listen to a loooooong voicemail on our home phone. Oh yeah … Genius, here. Somehow she thought the message was left in the morning like just before work. Whew. I was at the bank ya know getting more money.

___

So yeah, we’d gone out for coffee, ended up out in his car where we got caught by the police and escorted to the edge of town.  We had to come back to pick up my car.  But can you believe the recording for the wife??? That is priceless.

One potentially awesome thing about working for a union:  Men, and lots of them.  Plentiful and convenient, married or not. 

Drawback, which may well just be in my head:  I consider all union guys to be potential bosses of mine. 

Now, I realize that it is at least statistically improbable that I will end up working for all of them, and most of those that I have some interest in will probably never be in a position of power in their unions.  It is an unfortunate fact that has caused me much personal pain-well, at least much personal annoyance-that nepotism is alive and well in the labor movement.  Let’s just say the variety of last names among labor staff and leaders leaves something to be desired.  Anyway, better get off that soapbox or I’ll start to get pissed.

So, while men in the labor movement are both convenient (for me) and quite plentiful, my own hangups get in the way of taking advantage.  But I really, really do like working class guys.  Hell, I even married one, which was a horrible mistake, but the sex was better than average.  Not stellar, but certainly better than the median.  He was (and is, actually) a union carpenter. 

As a bizarre solution to this difficult problem, I’ve been hanging out with some independent (yeah, that means scab labor) workers.  Gotta say, this has been a blast… all have been great fun and frankly several have outranked the union members.  (Which I think only are my ex husband and another carpenter, floorlayer I believe.)

In honor of labor day, I’ve decided that I should start dating union guys now and again.   I’ve added a line on my dating profile, suggesting more points for union members, but so far, only one guy mentioned it.  We’ll see.   And if I wind up working for a former fuck buddy, well, let’s just hope that I wasn’t the one to stop taking calls.  Solidarity forever, you know!

When my ex filed for the divorce, I wasn’t really prepared for the logistical challenges.  Most importantly, this meant I’d not found a lawyer.   Thankfully, friends helped me see that I needed to take care of this, and was able to find an attorney that helped me through the process–and a relative that would help me with the financing.  (Thanks, Mom…I rather hope you aren’t reading any of this, actually, but if you do… thanks.  Now, stop reading any additional posts.)

Thing was, I’d spent much time and energy focusing on how I needed an attorney, so just getting one for my own divorce was evidently not enough.  Not two days after I’d found one, I was at a party where another lawyer, who I’d been acquainted with, but didn’t know me, followed me until I decided to stop for coffee rather than going home. 

We ended up seeing each other off and on for a few weeks, and it was an interesting experience.  Really, the most interesting part was that the house I was living in had a low flat roof… and one night, he wanted to come over but I wouldn’t let him in the house because the kids were home.  I don’t have too many absolute rules in my life, but that is one of them…  Anyway, I told him we could hang out outside for awhile, and we ended up hooking up on the roof!  The kids didn’t realize anything… but evidently I wasn’t much concerned about the rest of the neighborhood! 

That was pretty much the highlight there, it is all about having a good story, after all.  It may be the last one, too… I’d probably break my neck trying to do anything on the roof of this house!  It may or may not be worth mentioning that the fellow was married.  (Yeah, before you say anything, not my vows!)

Rather than just deal with reality, he would get all feeling guilty, which I thought was a little strange–if you are going to cheat, you might as well have fun and not get all worked up and feel guilty!  Otherwise, don’t cheat!  Dealing with someone else’s guilt feelings when they are the one pushing and calling and such… who has time for that!

Anyway, in addition to the example above, it seemed that all the people that I met and were interested during that period of time were also lawyers!  One single, others married, all of them kind of appearing in sequence and providing a fairly wide selection of unsolicited legal opinions on the divorce process… and all that ended and I started meeting a variety of new people soon after it was final.  Strange dynamic, and I can’t say I’m sorry that it is over!  Really, not my first choice among professions… give me a guy with a job that provides an obvious sexual innuendo (such as riding a farmer’s tractor, just to give an example).  And yes, I’d vouch for that being a good time.

Just as an aside, the single lawyer wasn’t too memorable, except for a couple things.  One, I kid you not, he actually said (among other things, and while in bed) “Oh my God, I love your politics.”  I don’t think that is a euphemism.  He meant my actual political views.  Which are awesome, to be sure, but it was a little strange.   The other thing was he offered me a glass of water, and then it was a choice between like 6 different kinds of bottled waters.  Come on… nobody needs to be that high-maintenance!  

Yeah, the other thing was he announced that it was his first time with anyone after his divorce (which was a while.)  Then he asked if it was mine, and I just said, ‘you know I’m not divorced yet” and left it at that.  So then later he’s like ‘you know, I don’t want just sex, I want a real relationship… yeah, which was painful for me to hear, and the best I could do was “but you do want to have sex, right?”  It became clear pretty quick that we were not exactly compatible!  (But I do have great politics!)  I hear there are women all over that are actually looking for relationships… why bother me? 

Anyway, with my legal issues under control, I seem to be on track to meeting people away from the world of law.  Which is great.   Hmmm… what’s next?

I was working with a group of security guards.  I’d meet with them on their breaks and listen to their issues and, since they were security, I didn’t worry too much about meeting with them at the worksite.  Who was monitoring the security cameras?  Oh yeah, they were.

So, it was going well, but I’d still meet with them regularly to keep things progressing and stay on track.  Two of the guys seemed like they were the natural leaders, and I tended to talk with them more often.  I didn’t think anything was strange when one of them, who I’ll call SG because I forget his name and he was a security guard, called and asked me to bring a sample contract by one of the worksites.

It was maybe 1:30 or 2 in the morning.  He was working at a school, which given the time of day, was completely empty.  Custodians were evidently all finished.  I get there and go in and go over the information a little… and he starts acting strange.  Well, step back a minute and I’ll tell you that he’d locked the door when I came in.

Ok, so I’m here trying to go over some training materials in a locked school with a guy acting all friendly in the middle of the night.  Even clueless as I am, this is starting to feel a little, um… less than ideal.   So when he tells me he’s been wanting to talk with me about something I’m trying to think quick and the best I can do is ‘oh, it is so nice outside, can we please go sit out there?’

Lame, probably, but it worked.  So, I’m now outside of a suburban middle school at 2 in the morning.  I’m still clinging to the idea that he wants onsite stewards training, but thinking this doesn’t feel quite right.  All of a sudden (I swear I’m not kidding) he gets on one knee and proposes.

Proposes!   Evidently he was getting ready to go on some Navy ship or something and wanted to get MARRIED before he left!  Yeah, and I can’t be negative or show that I’m freaked out–because he’s still gonna need to vote!  Luckily I had the perfect excuse… SG … wait, I think his name was Chuck or Cliff or something like that, “you know, that is so sweet, but you know I’m already married.  Such a shame, and you know, I couldn’t ever date someone that I meet through work, I might get fired”… ok, so he kind of buys it, and I’m walking as fast as I can (politely) and am so happy to get in my car and get the hell out of there!

My poor coworkers were not all that amused, though… as the situation freaked me out enough that I would drag one of them with me for the rest of the campaign.  (Well, until crazy man was gone!)   Ah, well…

For the past year or more, I’ve been working in the same places, so even though they aren’t home… let’s just say it is getting to be pretty familiar.  So, I’d be up here (or there) working for a block of time and then would be trying to cram everything else into my time at home.  For whatever reason, it didn’t really occur to me to try and date (or whatever you want to call it) when I was out of town.

This is probably for a few different reasons… I was often traveling with a coworker, so that was a factor, I was busy working (of course!), didn’t know a lot of folks unconnected to work…I just didn’t really consider the possibility for the most part.

An old friend of mine, who I may post about some other time, seems to be kind of a catalyst for me.  Last time we got together, he gave me this big talk about how by not dating when out of town, I’m missing out on the best part of working out of town.  (Like I said, interesting dynamic we have, every time it is something different I should be doing and he’s usually right.)

So, I put up an ad online for one of the cities I was working in.  Easy enough, and as you might expect, I heard from a typically odd assortment of folks who look for dates online.  First one I met up with had the same name as my painter.  I’ll just call him Eric, since that is his actual name.

We went and got coffee and he seemed ok.   I can’t say I actually liked him, but he seemed reasonably alright and not completely annoying and I wasn’t that invested in the idea of someone there so figured what the hell.  He was in sales, which I figured would be a bonus.  My logic was that he was probably going to be self-absorbed enough to leave me the hell alone when I wasn’t there.  I had to get to work, but told him I’d call or text or something if I wanted to see him another time.

So, that night or the next night I was done working and figured I’d see if he was around and texted Eric.  Yeah, oops… wrong one.  This was the painter.  Mind you, I wouldn’t have been really opposed to him, he’s a cool guy…but wrong city, wrong state, and a little awkward because painter Eric was working on my house that week.   Well, it probably gave him a laugh, anyway.  I sent a “sorry, wrong Eric” message, so I’ll never know if he would have stopped back by the house.

Yeah, so I probably should have taken that as a sign not to send a message to the Illinois version.  Yeah.  Well, the guy was interesting, I’ll say that.   I don’t know how graphic I should make this… but I’ll just say he had very specific preferences and leave it at that for now, may edit later.

It did turn out that I was right about him being rather self-absorbed (says the woman writing a blog about herself for her own amusement)… I am cringing a little as I write this because it kind of threw me.. he had this major thing about his own… product, to use a sales term.  Like, he had to make a big point about himself licking it up.

Now, I try to be an open-minded girl and I really don’t know why I find it worth mentioning… but yeah.  Not a turn on in my book.   You know I’m thinking does he just like fill a glass when he’s by himself or what?  Anyway, whatever.  Do your own thing, but don’t expect me to act like I’m into it.  I don’t fake anything too well.

So he’s all like ‘can we get together again, do I have to leave’, that sort of thing.  Now, if you are not invited to stay over (and you won’t be), no, you are not welcome to stay.  You need to go home.  Or wherever, I don’t care if you go home, just go.  Particularly if you have crossed the line from amusingly quirky into eewww.

So, I don’t want to lie to him, so of course I say maybe we could get together again.  I told him I was going back home though so who knows when I’d be back around town.  I believe in Karma, so I will pretty much always take a call and would honestly tell him hey, not now, I’m really busy.  I’d think anyone would eventually figure out that if there was some interest, time would be made… but he actually forces the conversation–which I think is so rude–into ‘well, are you ever going to want to see me again.

I’m a middle class girl from the suburbs.  It truly pains me to directly seem rude to someone (yeah, I’ve learned from certain relatives to take the more indirect method to the level of an art form, but some people can’t take a hint.)  So, I had to actually tell him, after hanging out with him a grand total of twice, and once was a text message hookup, good Lord!  Had to tell him outright that no, I wouldn’t ever have time to see him again.

Isn’t that enough??? No, he’s got to counter back with ‘sorry I wasn’t what you expected”.  And then act sad (as if we’d been dating for some time or something!)   I wish I had been forward enough to just say, nope, not what I expected and not my cup of (eew) tea, or something.  But instead, just reiterated that I am indeed really busy and OUT OF TOWN and take care, already.

So–now I’ve been grossed out and am annoyed.  Wouldn’t I be seen as a crazy, pushy stalker woman if I were to force such a candid answer?  I don’t know, but seems to be a good idea to let a few things go!

Things are really busy right now, take care, ok?

So anyway, red flag # one should have been the voicemail I got before the date… using all the allotted time…after hearing my employer’s name from my outgoing message and talking at length about people we might know in common… creepy!  Yeah, if I haven’t met you yet, I really don’t want to know that you might be friends with my local’s president.  That is gonna suck if I decide to stop taking your calls.  Anyway…

Even funnier, when we did meet up, he was WAY overstating people we might know in common.  He “knows” these people, as in is acquainted with them.  Nothing he said leads me to believe that they would remember HIM. 

I am way, way too nice in these situations, I guess.  Within, let’s say, a minute and a half, I was pretty clear about our chances for a 2nd date.  Ummm…no and no… Still, every time I tried to make an excuse and cut out, he made that very difficult.  I do just hate to hurt someone’s feelings, so I’m sitting there trying to make conversation, while wishing I was anywhere else. 

The highlight of the evening was when a very drunk ex of one of his friends parked herself at our table to rail on the ex and ask a bunch of very specific questions about us.  Seriously–Q:  Is this a date?  Him:  Yes.  Q: Is this a first date?  Me, very quickly… yes!  Do you have kids?  Me: yes  Q: Do you want more kids?  Me:  No.   Q:  He doesn’t have any, what are you going to do if he wants to have more?  Me:  That is not my problem… She also was inquiring about another woman he’d dated, who she said “really liked him” and was upset because he’d never called back.  He couldn’t remember who she was.   Like I said, this was really the best interaction all evening. 

We talked politics for a while… he was a Hillary supporter, which is kind of a deal-breaker right there.   I’m pretty open about my lack of formal education, if someone asks about my background… no point in making stuff up… but for some reason, he is bringing this up all evening, as if I need endless reassurance.  Over and over again, “you’re so smart, you could totally get a degree”, that kind of thing.  ‘Cause nothing’s sexier than a condescending attitude, I suppose. 

One might have noticed that I didn’t bring up the topic once… he did… and that I am gainfully employed, and it turns out, he is actually between jobs right now…  Ah, well.  Anyway, I left there and found I had missed nearly all of the trivia game going on at my sister’s house.  Damn.  Well, at least I was done. 

So… given my take on the date, imagine my amusement at reading his note:

Hi (me). Dropping ya a line here.

I know you’re pretty new to all this so I wasn’t sure what you were looking for. I sensed some attraction on our parts but didn’t really know how to proceed. I didn’t know if you were looking for a boyfriend so much, or something more casual. I’m not opposed to seeing where it goes but I do know you are recently divorced and have kids andsuch. But I would like to have you as a friend too. what i’m saying is that I’m open to anything. I could be casual meaning dating and perhaps being intimate if that happens. But if you didn’t want that without seriousness than that is ok too. Or like I said, plain old friends. It’s not every day you meet such like minded people. So in my rambling way I’m saying I am open and had a good time saturday…(details on his weekend plans) so, we could just touch base on the phone a little this weekend, or try and do something next week or maybe you could come over and hang out or something. I’m open and I know what it is like first getting out there again. Let me know what you’re thinking. Mike

What am I thinking?  Yeah, right.

UPDATE:

Well, I did get to go over there, which is always a good time… but poor guy had been hurt awhile back at work and evidently the concrete floor didn’t help that night… so he winds up screwing up his back again.  Thankfully for him, he was able to get back up to bed without getting caught! 

I guess at least it would be a workers’ comp injury, right??